I've been meaning to write. I'm not very good at committing to this. Hopefully it will become more natural over time.
I've been learning a lot about myself recently. Mostly, that I have some major issues. I've always known I have issues - everyone does. But all the puzzle pieces of jumbled memories of relationships or friendships gone sour throughout my life, and all the criticisms from people over the years that I've blocked out, have come together and formed a mirror. And I see myself in it more clearly than before. I'm having all these flashbacks. The same things have happened over and over. Super unpleasant memories.
I've always known very much that I struggle with depression. And this may seem obvious, and certainly it is to those who know me, but finally, at the age of 26, I've realized a profound truth. You know, a truth, that thing that hits you like a brick, and you go, "...oh! wow."
I am overly sensitive. I'm angry. I'm angry and not sure why. I have too many overwhelming emotions. I didn't ask for them, and I didn't create them. They just exist. They bounce around and crash into each other in my core, in my soul. They are spitballs of fire bouncing around in my chest. And they hurt, and they're almost always there. And the worst part about this is, now I have to deal with it. Which is so annoying. Whenever I'm in these situations I become very philosophical. Perhaps this is my brain's trained coping, or rather, escape mechanism, but there you have it. My train of thought goes something like this:
'I'm overly sensitive. I feel terrible all the time. Well, great. Now I have to work on it I guess. But that takes a lot of energy and motivation, which is exactly what I don't have. Did I even ask to be here? Why am I here? Why do I have to do this? Did I ask to be born this way? Did I ask to be born at all into a world where you are destined to feel terrible and are additionally faced with the burden of having to fix it? Nope. Sure didn't. I don't want to do this. Don't want to do this. Don't want to be here, don't want to do anything.'
But then I wake up and I'm still here and I still feel terrible and there's no way out.
I guess the first step (like any...addiction...?) is the self-awareness and the acknowledgment that the problem even exists in the first place. I am overly sensitive. There. I am overly sensitive. And I need to figure out a way to not be so sensitive.
Perhaps just carrying this truth around with me for a while, examining it in the mirror, acknowledging it, is at least a start.
